saltlakemusic: Hulk vs The Incredible Hulk

Hulk vs The Incredible Hulk · Oct 20, 09:28 PM

Jennifer Connely the movie vs Liv Tyler the movie. Better yet, who could calm down Hulk quicker in a giant green penis eating contest? In this review we take a traditional comic book nerd stance against two of Marvel’s most successful films, and try to figure out ultimately what might happen in the Hulk tried to have sex with scientist Betty. The results might amaze you. Hulk (2003) was a highly decorated film nominated for 8 Academy Awards (i hear those are worth like tens of dollars). With a lineup of Danny Elfman, Jennifer Connely, Jennifer Connely and Jennifer Connely. This movie can seemingly not lose. Then five years later a much more pragmatic take, the Incredible Hulk (2008) raised the bar for comic book films yet again, with a dynamic story arc reminiscent of the first but clearly standing free of aesthetic style and even physics of the first. Stay with me.

Hulk (2003)

In this movie scientist Dr. Bruce Kirschner or something (Eric Bana), leads a team of contracted pioneer scientists in NOT battlefield applications, but “practical” applications of a special artificial enzyme called “nanomedz”. Nanomeds are stupid, and nobody thought that through, but it sounded really cool at one time…ok moving on. His girlfriend and co-scientist and super fucking sexy Jennifer Connely um, Betty, struggle to meet a deadline to prove to their constituates that their petmedz can help heal lizards and goats and shit, i dunno. They are doing science stuff and computer images are flashing and shit goes down and of course, Bruce Kirschner or whatever his name is, rushes in to help and for some reason feels compelled to take the brunt of the gamma rays to try and save his buddy, who doesnt even thank him. His friend and several other so-called friends kindof float in and out of the first half hour of the picture doing sciency stuff that my buddy Brian probably knows all about but i have no idea…but it looks way cool.

Bruce somehow survives the accident, somehow the petmedz worked and they helped heal him, even though fucking sexy Dr. Betty cries and shes like “but they have killed everything we used them on” or something, damn she’s stupid, i love it. For a scientist, Dr. Science lady walks REALLY REALLY slow. She also wears high heels at the lab which is cool too, come to think about it she really isnt essential to this part of the story whatsoever, anywho. Eventually we discover that Bruce Kirschner is actually the JANITORS SON! (Nick Nolte) David Banner reveals himself. He’s been sifting his once adopted sons trash and trying to recreate his work at home on poodles and pitbulls using a bong and a broken glowstick. It worked tho, you gotta hand it to him he’s a crazy ol bastard.

^{Eric Bana’s eyes get real big in this film and he makes these awesome pouty face, angry face, pouty face, angry face excersizes (see below)}

to save another paragraph lets just say Nick Nolte plays a great Nick Nolte and Sam Elliot plays a good Sam Elliot, eventually maybe or maybe not gets killed by Hulk, no spoilers in this bitch yet. Hulk is a good interpretation of the comics, but not only that, a good enterpretation of comic book graphic styles in general. Whats really unique about Hulk is that it explores the character of Hulk as a psychic being, something only few comic writers bothered exploring, but Ang Lee was able to communicate volumes in a single dream sequence quite effectively. The patchwork of the story is pretty sad, evident when the Hulk starts dreaming and in the dream is David Banner. Its not meant to make sense really, and its a pretty easy story with rather simple characters, and the film makers really managed not to fuck with a good thing when they made this one.

The Incredible Hulk (2008)

This film takes place in a separate reality from the first, but 3-5 years later from the timeline indicated in the first film. In this film Bruce Banner (Ed Norton) has escaped Betty’s Dad, General Ross, and fleed to Brazil where he works in a bottling company. We quickly see some foreshadowing as Bruce sits during the opening credits in Jui-Jitsu class, trying some breathing excersizes, monitoring his heart rate. He communicates with an anonymous “Mr. Blue” on the interweb, trying to find a cure for his gamma radiation problem (which we know very little about), under the alias “Mr. Green” get ready because this film is chuck full of Hulk anecdotes, everything from the “Youre making me angry” puns to the stretchy pants physical comedy, the rule is as follows: if it doesnt cost money, we’ll put it in the film. Ross tracks him down after some of his blood falls in a soda pop (gross and Stan Lee drinks it) they dont bother explaining how they are able to track him down from the soda, but Liv Tyler is in this and, per my opinion, her breasts are immaculate butterface reminds me of Steven “Burnt Lips” Tyler. I’m shallow, moving on.

Ross forms a special team of disposal army guys to go in and get their asses kicked by Bruce Banner because he’s old and incompetent and Ahab-esque. All he wants to do is to use more of Bruce Banner’s soda pop blood to create an army of indestructable angry killers. Thats all. But Bruce is bein stingy and makes his way back to the US to try and cure himself, and in the process runs in to his old lab partner sexy as hell Betty herself. Much more is explored between said lovers, and Bruce Even tries to insert weiner here but retracts when his weiner alarm reaches critical levels. What a dumbass, split her in half she’ll dig it! I kid I kid. But no really it would be a one-time dream come true before she drowned in green goo 45 seconds later.

So to save another paragraph, Tim Roth plays the predecessor to Abomination, melo-ridiculously over ambitious Emyl Bronski, one of Hulk’s lamer adversaries. Bringing the only glimmer of respectable acting in the film, but consequently spends as much time being animated, and far less present, than Edward Norton, Roth gets an A+ in special Ed (see Liev Schriber in XMen Origins: Wolverine, for parallels). He also brings to the table a posture and upper build like a jewish boy with skoliosis, even after spraypaint is applied. I will venture to say they could not have casted a better actor for such a terrible role. I take it back. If they wouldve casted Ian McKellan as Ed Bronski then it would have been what i just said.

The Truth about Jennifer Connely being so fucking sexy

Why couldnt Eric Bana hulk try that same funky biznass with Jennifer Connely Betty? Eric Bana hulk was actually cattle prodded and punched in the face by wormy army guy Talbot to the point of unconsciousness, and Eric Bana Hulk just refuses to change. Ed Norton Hulk takes 22 hour naps because he’s so scared he might raise his heart levels. Theres alot that goes on to a character when one comic book writer takes on the mantle of another writer, certain implications exist and you have to be sensitive to those. While its understandable that certain concepts are fun to tweak and/or even destroy, there are certain qualities we already expect from the comic book or cartoon hulk. In this regard, both movies are only slightly guilty of said liberties, and notably so for us comic book nerds.

Eric Bana Hulk recieved a genetic mutation from his father, a result of testing the same dangerous gamma radiation experiments 30 years earlier on himself. Not until he is injected with the Nanomedz is his power realized. The unique ability to absorb gamma rays allows his petmedz to become active without killing him. Edward Norton Hulk may or may not be trying to cure this same aforementioned “nanomedz” but instead trying to cure himself of the mutation his father gave him maybe? Neither film does a good job of going beyond the “lab experiment gone wrong” superhero scenario. And so what? Its supposed to be Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde.

Speaking of which, Eric Bana Hulk portrays a much deeper, more complicated “Hulk scenario” in which it is explained by nurse hot as fuck that the nanomedz are causing the transformation as a result of trying to heal “emotional” scars. While making little or no sense its an interesting twist, and a noble but failed attempt at transfering a difficult comic book concept onto the screen. Similar failed attempts occur in Edward Norton’s Hulk, as Bruce Banner tries ever cheesily to walk the streets a lone walker man, hiding his face behind a baseball cap. I’ve seen good films with Ed Norton but he’s just too pretty to pull this off. The kindof grimey street walking scientist Bruce Banner turns into comes off as a spoiled, paranoid tourist at best, and just has too much energy and not enough cool.

Eric Bana Hulk has several levels of angriness: pissed, pissed off, and whoa that dude is so pissed. Each time he gets angrier he grows by another 50% or so, and seems to have more and more power in every imagineable way. This fulfills the fundamental Hulk theology in which the only way to beat him is to stop pissing him off. Ed Norton Hulk better fulfills the Mr. Hyde theory in the sense that Banner does NOT enjoy the transformation, and wants to destroy it altogether, becoming his own worst enemy. This is in opposition to the Eric Bana Hulk, which hates the transformation but loves the feeling of power, which satisfies a very abstract but still psychological presense.

While the dogma might be fundamentally different, the stories run along side eachother quite well, in a circle that leads nowhere fast. In both films the Hulk finds himself a god in a world where the only person who can stop him is his girlfriend, and this is where the audience can feel the psychology, the so called turmoil. Kudos to Eric Bana for giving it a good run with the tortured damaged scientist smartass. Whereas Edward Norton pretty much just…plays a good Edward Norton. After two films its hard to expect anything more than some elastic Eric Bana faces or Ed Norton casuality, and certainly some disposable badguy that flickers in and out of the story, from the next.

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